You want predictability, I’m unpredictable. Don’t know what to tell you.
2011 is a crazy year for me, lots of ups and downs. I’m starting to wonder if I’m starting to get to be too old of trying to get on TV. I’m going to be 24 later this year. Chris Brown was born in 88. I wonder if I’ll be interesting. Will I still be able to maintain a relationship trying to pursue this? I’ll get bursts of motivation here and there but going to school is robbing me of my ambition. The more time I invest into school the more I’m resenting my parents for pressuring me into doing it. I think it’s just a waste of time. I’m old enough to be a grad student. Time to go turn in some late quizzes.
In the computer lab here at Texas State. It is currently 11:07 am as I write this. I arrived in town via greyhound at 7am (Departed Dallas at 3am) and made the 10 minute walk back to the condo from the Station. It was cold as fuck. My intro to Mass Comm started at 8 made it in at 8:05. My professor tells me she saw me hauling ass on the way to class on my bike. Yesterday I spent the whole day with Maria watching movies and finally had sex for the first time after teasing each other about it over the past couple of weeks on the phone. I had what I think was one of the hottest, most passionate make-out sessions that made me smile after she left. I think I like her, even though she left hickies all over my neck. I kind of like it, even though it’s kind of trashy. I hope she doesn’t fuck me over.
-High School Woncho
Interesting things that are happening in 2011. Just got back from hitchhiking up to NYC, drove around in an NYC taxi cab, Jamie from Australia & I are now good friends because of the trip, he gives me an idea about starting some kind of hitchhiking exhibition using my fujifilm instax mini as the medium. I have sex in the back of the NYC taxi in front of Will’s apt. I like this Guatemalan chick I’m talking to everyday, we seem pretty compatible, I wonder if it’ll go anywhere. I wonder if I’ll get the SXSW volunteering job. Daniel’s buddy Dustin gave us some Kafir and I wonder if it tastes any good. I currently have a buzz cut. I’m wearing some khakis, some sperry slip-ons, a fedora, and a short-sleeve button up for the first warm day of clothes I’m going to be wearing. I return the NYC taxi to Jagadish (the Indian guy that let me borrow it in the first place, well it’s actually getting painted then it’s going back to him), I wonder if my plan to get 15 minutes of fame are still possible or if it’s just a long shot and if I’m too old now. 23, almost mid-twenties now. Hmm…. I wonder where my life is heading and if it’s going to be a successful one. All I know is that I’m going to keep pushing forward but I don’t know where to start. A lot of my ideas are ones I usually have to pick one after another. I pick this dude up from Austin for a Craigslist rideshare and have one of the biggest snowdays in Dallas during superbowl weekend, he is one of the those motivation life-coach type guys. I think it’ll be wise to keep him around in my life. Rick Perry said something about $10,000 tuition including textbooks. Shit I’m already paying $6000 for 2 semesters. I wonder if it’ll go through. I recently started getting into the habit of keeping the kitchen clean at all times, so washing dishes and pots and pans as soon as I’m done with them, something that I’ve never done for the past 2-3 years after not living at the house anymore. I wonder how I will balance family time with fun time, my parents are getting older and I don’t want to regret doing (or not doing) enough.
I’m here studying for Spanish while half of my girlfriends are crying while the other half are complaining about not getting gifts while the other half is saying “fuck Valentines”. Go rub one out and call it a day and buy yourself some chocolates, shit!
Rib-eyes grilled medium rare, freshly ground black Italian coffee brewed in a French press, yerba mate, Belgian beers, reading an entrepreneurial-type book, standing out on the road and sticking out my thumb hoping for a warm seat heading somewhere far away, starting a conversation next to one of the hot girls in class, meeting people who are still excited and surprised by life, my eclectic group of amigos, thinking of creative and sometimes-illegal ways to make money, talking to smart women who aren’t jaded, laughing with your friends about how you dragged home a a brand-new bbq pit from the grocery store 2 blocks back to your house.
Life is good.
Got a Austrailian Couchsurfer in town, went out last night met this really cute white girl with red lipstick. Reminded me of Cindy’s style. Met her at shakespeare, danced, we left that place and she told me to come with her, I told her she was gonna be my date for the rest of the night, held hands, rode a mechanical bull, bought me a beer, lots of kissing towards the end of the night and got her number. Apparently she’s from Houston. What’s the rule here? Do I do the 2 day rule or do I call because she’s only in town for a limited time? Well I went with texting her the next day.
Me: Its Woncho. How are you?
No reply. Did she die?
Oh yeah I forgot that girls like to play games.
She texts me back an hour later.
Things are looking up. I wonder how this is gonna turn out.
I skipped yesterday’s entry because I didn’t get any sleep until 5am last night and now I am cracked out on adderall. Actually I kinda miss it. I remember now why I was addicted to it. Shit. Anyway I’m having a better day today, we both had a long heart to heart talk last night on the phone, which ended with mutual respect but ideally didn’t go the way I wanted it to end. Bitter sweet.
I admitted feelings, she was shocked and surprised and called me stupid for not telling her sooner. I know how this sounds but it wasn’t like a “I love you please don’t leave me” sort of thing, it was something else like bitch you’re stupid I had feelings for you this whole time and you didn’t even notice. I don’t know. She thought I wanted something else. She just doesn’t want me.
Also today I also almost got arrested for riding my bike through the library and having an old librarian chase me around the 6th floor of Alkek. It was pretty funny. I also met this pretty cute black girl with a bright smile across from the library and asked her if she wanted to go grab some Chik-Fil-A with me because I wanted a “study break” after we ate I walked her back towards her dorm and handed her my phone, “Here put your number in” She kinda stood there waiting for some sort of goodbye but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Do I hug her? Do I high-five her? She’s pretty cute. I just ended up doing the spirit-fingers good bye thing in gay fashion and left and told her I’ll text her later.
Fuck this final and sigh.
Back to Spanish.
So instead of being full jealousy and sadness I decided to turn most of it into hatred and probably had the hardest workout since high school. I told myself I would try to hit on at least 3 girls today and preceded to hit on none. Although I did smile at a couple of cute girls (and got a couple back) I also managed to creep out 2 Asian girls by walking by them and yelling out “Hey Asians” I thought this was hilarious. Time to go back to the house and wallow and cook me an omelet. Mmm wallowing…
I usually hate to admit feelings and jealousy is right up there at the top of the list. Next is loneliness, and being emo. I have an image to uphold. I hate feeling jealous but I’m usually cool about it. Or at least act like it. But the feeling sucks and it’s pretty much all I can think about when I’m supposed to be studying. Is his dick bigger than mine? Is he better in bed? Is he better than me? Why didn’t you fuck me instead?
Then it makes me wonder about the future. Will I find a hotter girl? One that isn’t crazy? One that has had less sex with other dudes? One that is sweet? One that I am really attracted to and not just want to stick my dick into? Beauty does weird things to the male mind. Beauty can be intoxicating and make you feel like you’re in love. I feel disgusted. Disgusted and jealous. And kinda sad. Oh well what can you do?